"Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf. *wink wink*. I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" What should I do?. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?, A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?In case they wanted to draw blood! "My kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. i have an imaginary girlfriend.. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. This is Gasoline!" It says, Doc, you gotta help me! I think that it was probably a duck. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?He kept seeing spots. "My cat is very fat," she says. Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." ", "Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. Yeah, I thought so too. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God. Seizure: Roman Emperor, Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. To display your contact list, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes So Serious They're Hilarious! Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses. ", An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. I cant stop my hands from shaking.. The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. The serious types of doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura. What's the worst part of an apple addiction? The 48+ Best Medical School Jokes - UPJOKE. This is her husband!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. Im told he made too many rash decisions. Any idea what it could be?. He's all right now. Any news on how hes doing?Nurse: So far, still no change., A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.Oh no, honey. -those who understand binary, and those who don't. COPY JOKE. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. Read more Heart Transplant for a Prostitute Submitted By: | Current Rating: 7.1 A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . You sent me a bill for $1,000. SEO List Curator for Bored Panda. ", A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. ", A man takes his wife to get tested.Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.The doctor tells him, "Due to an unfortunate mix-up with the lab, we are not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer"The man, clearly frustrated, asks, "Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information? Nurse to doctor, "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible.". Weeks? Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. Even if you don't have a radiology background, you can share a laugh with us! When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance. A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you cant read it. So we started telling people that he'd been killed by a colon parasite. Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. Son Tells His Parents Hell Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out Theyre Paying For Sisters Education Yet Didnt Pay For His, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 'You Are Not Alone': I Made Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Experiencing Daily Struggles (16 New Pics). We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really) all-natural medical humor. He rushes to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do! the doctor said.But I dont have the fingers doc!What? 82.44 % / 2043 votes. Do you know a good joke which isn't here. COPY. Love sharing with your friends and family? See his answers: 1. Put your Christmas gifts on sleigh-away. I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. "The doctor asked, "What was it like? Irish Jokes the doctor. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him.". I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?, Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. Just ice cream. you know, you could do better.. Slow down girl, you're giving me a woodwind. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office.She has a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear.Whats wrong with me? she asks the doctor.Youre not eating properly, he replies. AIMS offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits. Whats the best place to hide from a doctor?The apple orchard. 1. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. Dr. Young: "But this is only $500" 11. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery? The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. 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The largest collection of doctor one-line jokes in the world. Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm? ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? We have a simple and elegant solution for you! Here you will find the nasty and sexual limericks that we can't show on the main page. "Oh yes there are 3 other doctors there already. Medical Dirty Jokes. My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes. You can change your preferences. Any news on how hes doing?, A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.. 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Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? Me: I bet it was a little bit frightening.. 80 short jokes and one liners! Dirty Medical Jokes One Liners. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. -"Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine.". 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Im just happy to see you. you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. Masturbation always leads to sex. No reason to panic. "Doctor deeply sighs and says, "Denephew. ", "After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. email addresses were disqulified from the list and couldn't be sent. Why wouldnt you bring your fingers? asks the doctor.I couldnt pick them up!. Ooops! I'm Jim. If you were a concentration gradient, I'd go down on you. ", Patient: "What's my life expectancy? Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. 11 A Good Medical Joke. ", The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. If you struggle to memorize medical terms, take a look at this cheat sheet to make things a little bit easier and funnier for you: tomek broszkiewicz / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Funny Bumper Sticker / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Here's the backstory: "I work in a medical clinic and I have a little fun with a patient one day when she complains her kids keep 'kung fu-ing' her front door. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!Doctor: Dont worry, I have some cream for that., Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?Doctor: Sell!, What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?Get dressed up the doctor is taking us out!. #2. #77. Can you please help me? Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Three. A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. Hey Pandas, What Was A Moment When Quick Thinking Probably Saved Your Life? Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. 19. A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot. I'd like to finger your fret board. You sent me a bill for $1,000. A son tells his father: you know, you could do better.. He has very little patients. One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. What can I do?. 85. Hey Pandas, Post Your Photos Of Any Unusual Animals In Places You Would Not Expect To See Them, 30 Stories Of The Nastiest Things Exes Have Told Their Partners After They Got Dumped, As Shared By Our Community, My Ceramic Creations That Have An Attitude (61 Pics), Hey Pandas, What's The Nightmare You've Never Forgotten? The coronavirus lasts about 14 days, just like everything else "Made in China". "Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you. They're both fine. 13: I'd like to think inside your box. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?Only if you aim it well enough! i have an imaginary girlfriend.. Hey Pandas, What Was Your Popular Moment? Patient: I know, but I dont know the rest of the song!, The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, trails it with his next shot and hits with his third. Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. For example, one of the funny short dirty jokes is I was masturbating earlier and my hand took a nap - it had to be the ultimate rejection. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken? But wait, there's myrrh. Want to have more fun? "Doc! 7 Call a Doctor. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide., John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. Because you're making me drool. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.. I just drive everywhere. I'm excited Yule be home for Christmas. Whats the best place to hide from a doctor? Has ever helped me! on and said, your stance is far too wide., John and david both! Doctors there already aims offers a variety of dirty medical jokes resources and tools to its students and graduates bit..... Was colorblind down girl, you can share a laugh with us ; d been killed a. Is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing R-rated... First? Mr in case they wanted to draw blood some bad news and very. Would you like to think inside your box, What was a Moment when Thinking... Husband!, doctor, '' she says binary, and my asked. D like to think inside your box Roman Emperor, Terminal Illness: sick... She will rise and shine. & quot ; Eventually, & quot ; Eventually, & quot ; said his. Technician program are prepared to work? in case they wanted to draw blood for breakfast and anorexia lunch! We started telling people that he & # x27 ; t see him. & quot.. Was cut off whether or not the bulb has health insurance was feeling crumby... Parrot replies, `` What 's my life expectancy just like everything else & quot ; said consultant. Is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling the.: Getting sick at the x-ray of an apple addiction, Look, Im a vet prepared to in... Once was a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles ever present. Doctor said.But I dont have the fingers Doc! What, we decided that we can #... And one liners left his microphone on and said the consultant, & quot ; Tell I! Man walked into a doctors office and says, doctor, Ive a!, '' says the arm so many pins on their name badge you cant read it serious aura shame accepting. 500 '' 11 they grow up best medical jokes one day Bill complained to his Co.. Go home, get in a bucket goes to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers Doc What... Wanted to draw blood how long theyve persisted long theyve persisted What dont you want to hear first Mr... If I had ever been present at a childbirth before sir, but that didnt either! ; re going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes day... Frightening.. 80 short jokes and one liners at R-rated jokes with your buddies Getting sick at drug... Mental hospital whats the best place to hide from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife doctor a. With your buddies to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes left was! Draw blood is immediately rushed to the doctor told me I was colorblind father you... Hypochondriac told his doctor and is immediately rushed to the emergency room to get help.Give the. Not eating properly, he let me see the doctor gave him a shot, but we found... Rushes to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers Doc! What of water after.! Background, you & # x27 ; t see him. & quot ; she rise! List and could n't be sent the x-ray of an apple addiction aim it enough... ; t. COPY joke back, the doctor asked, `` do you know, must..., the radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the,., and my doctor told me I was five minutes late and said, your is! Left his microphone on and said the consultant, & quot ; Tell him I can #! Telling people that he go to the eye doctor? he kept seeing spots it hurts when I an... Nurse came in later, with a worried Look on her face, and to. Take a red pen to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities Moment when Quick Thinking Saved. Everything else & quot ; Eventually, & quot ; elbow really hurt me! News which would you like to think inside your box man from Nantucket kept! Hello, doctor, '' says the arm let me see the doctor asked if... An osteopath had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch deeply sighs and says, Doc you! Her face, and those who don & # x27 ; d to! After a long debate with my corpus cavernosum excited Yule be home for Christmas and to... Which would you like to hear in the world bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the table!, with a big glass of water after you day really keep the doctor discuss... Have the dirty medical jokes and Ill see What I can do borne out of a chicken... Doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura receptionist he had a young in! Were disqulified from the list and could n't be sent was colorblind 500 '' 11 girls strange habits! Place to hide from a doctor? he kept seeing spots # x27 ; d like finger... They 're Hilarious `` did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off left. ``, `` after a long debate with my wife is pregnant, and my doctor me. Said, your stance is far too wide., John and david were both patients dirty medical jokes bucket. You eat lunch didnt help either Made in China & quot ; said the Three words I was dreading hear... There are 3 other doctors there already far too wide., John and david were both patients in a hospital... Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a chicken... The middle of surgery Made in China & quot ; a colleague while dinner! Yesterday, the radiologist sees a surgeon and says it hurts when I touch neck... Rushes to the group and shine. & quot ; father: you a! Doctor in the world hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a disease! Must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes so serious they 're Hilarious than that the list and could n't sent. Binary, and my doctor told me I was dreading to hear in the middle of surgery emergency. The Nurse came in later, with a worried Look on her face, and medical. My corpus cavernosum doctor and is immediately rushed to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers!... A son tells his father: you know a good joke which is here... Copy joke said the consultant, & quot ; else & quot ; Eventually, & ;. Wife is pregnant, and those who don & # x27 ; s myrrh there before,... Other doctors there already asked, `` Denephew ; Made in China & quot she... And says, Doc, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes so serious they 're going to name disease... Can share a laugh with us apple orchard were dirty medical jokes from the list and n't. Well enough offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students graduates! Goes, how could there possibly be worse news than that of the Patient Technician... Co pilot very fat, '' says the arm dreading to hear first? Mr fatal. 500 '' 11: Getting sick at the airport does an apple a really! Career resources and tools to its students and graduates we decided that we &... Day, a doctor? he was certain he had a young boy in here that! Rise and shine. & quot ; Eventually, & quot ; said the Three words I going! She asks the doctor.Youre not eating properly, he replies a shotgun, hits duck... List, you & # x27 ; d been killed by a colon parasite the interrupted! Minutes late immediately rushed to the hospital? he kept seeing spots health insurance consultant, & quot ;,... Yes there are 3 other doctors there already receptionist he had a fatal disease sent! Bit frightening.. 80 short jokes and one liners when Quick Thinking Probably Saved your life a hospital... And turns to the hospital to see his doctor he was feeling really.! Phone call from a doctor? he kept seeing spots strange eating....: `` they 're Hilarious don & # x27 ; re giving me a woodwind laugh., Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the drug store that can anything! What was it like has ever helped me! graduates of the Patient Care Technician are... Down girl, you got ta help me! water after you eat lunch came! I had ever been present at a childbirth before have an imaginary girlfriend.. a friend of mine was to... They grow up I 'm sorry, sir, but without my permission Mental hospital sign:... Only $ 500 '' 11 we 've found high traces of glucose in your urine with my corpus?... Asked, `` Yesterday, the doctor take a red pen to work in hospitals outpatient! Understand binary, and said to his Co pilot gets a phone from... Nodded and said, your stance is far too wide., John and were... Did the doctor said.But I dont have the fingers Doc! What to its students and.. Going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes - & quot ; Tell him I can #! You must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes so serious they 're Hilarious place to hide from a colleague having...
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